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More About
P.I.C.K. A Partner
from the Author,
Dr. John Van Epp
What's It All About?
At one time or another, we have heard someone quote the old saying,
"LOVE IS
BLIND"
It might have been at that miserably mismatched wedding;
Or, when your best friend forgave her boyfriend the hundredth time for the SAME CRIME;
Or, when the divorcee, after analytic contemplation, finally saw the warning signals of his/her dating years;
Or, perhaps it occurred within the depths of your own soul upon the realization of a broken trust.
The accumulation of experiences like these lead you to wonder if you could ever...
FOLLOW YOUR HEART WITHOUT LOSING YOUR
MIND
In other words, is there really any explanation for why love is blind? Do we have any hope for learning how to avoid marrying a jerk? The answer is a resounding... YES!!!!
Much, if not all, of what a person will be like can be clearly predicted during dating. For years, while conducting counseling sessions with relationally confused and hurt clients, I searched through self-help books and thousands of pages of research on the premarital relationship and the predictors of marital satisfaction. I gleaned many valuable principles and
insights. However, I did not find any author who organized this plethora of information into a pictorial model which would portray the delicate balance between your mind and heart.
Your mind needs to know what to look for in order to shape an accurate profile of the person you are dating. And your heart needs to know how to keep proper balances between the bonding forces which form the attachment in your growing relationship.
Two of the most common remarks I have heard when counseling dismayed spouses are:
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"I should have known better..."
and,
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"I saw it when dating, but I just overlooked it..."
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I am convinced that these regretful reflections reveal the two most prevalent sources to an unhealthy, "blinding love."
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The first, as indicated in the first remark, is an UNDER-DEVELOPED education of the mind. Too many people simply do not know WHAT to look for when dating.
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The second source of minimizing problems is an OVER-DEVELOPED attachment of the heart. In this case, too many people simply do not know HOW to keep a dating relationship in balance.
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It was these two needs which led me to develop a system to follow in the premarital relationship and decision-making process.
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Based upon a thorough review of research pertaining to this subject, the How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk series EXHAUSTIVELY and HUMOROUSLY describes:
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THE MAJOR AREAS THAT PREDICT
WHAT A PERSON WILL BE LIKE IN MARRIAGE,
and
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THE BONDING FORCES THAT MUST BE KEPT IN
BALANCE AS A RELATIONSHIP GROWS.
A Brief Overview
Unfortunately, most people do not understand what attaching forces or dynamics operate in their relationships. And yet, there are five adhesive dynamics which create the feelings of attachment in every relationship. When these dynamics are out of balance, then you overlook signs of future difficulties in order to maintain your emotional closeness.
Without knowing what these forces are and how they are inter-related, most people will form over-attachments of the heart which will override the judgments of the mind. And yet, these bonding forces fully
explain the mysterious glue which creates the thing we call "love."
The first bonding dynamic is "what you know about the person you are dating" (KNOW). When you spend time talking and doing things together, a deeper understanding of the person occurs. This understanding, or "knowledge," creates a growing feeling of closeness.
As you gather these pieces of understanding about this person, you arrange them to create a portrait of what you believe this person is like. This portrait is your "internal image of this person" (TRUST). It is this mental picture which prompts your expectations and feelings of trust. The more positive your picture... the stronger your trust and attachment.
Based on your level of trust, you form a "dependency upon this person to meet more and more of your needs" (RELIANCE). If the person lives up
to your expectations, you alter your picture in positive ways...and become even closer.
Your growing trust and reliance produce a "deeper definition of your relationship" (COMMITMENT). This commitment gives you a greater feeling of security and attachment.
Your closeness is expressed in the "extent of your physical involvement" (SEX). As with the other bonding forces, the farther you go... the closer you become.
Each of these five dynamic forces has a range of bonding influence in a relationship. The level of each one, however, must be kept in a balance with the others in order to insure that your attachment does not
override your awareness of the signs of future problems.
When an imbalance does occur, then unhealthy attachments result. The rule of thumb is:
THE DEGREE OR LEVEL OF EACH BONDING DYNAMIC SHOULD NEVER EXCEED THE LEVEL OF THE PREVIOUS.
In other words, the imbalances in these bonding dynamics will lead to over-attachment, vulnerabilities and distorted judgment.
To accurately predict what a person you are dating will be like in marriage, five areas must be thoroughly
investigated. These are:
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The dynamics of childhood and family experiences
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The maturity of the conscience
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The scope of compatibility potential
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The developed relationship skills
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The patterns of previous relationships
The P.I.C.K. A PARTNER Training program includes the HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK video/presentation series and a forty-two page, Discussion Workbook. In addition, there are numerous reflective questions which personalize the material. The group allows for learning new information and discussion of how it
pertains to you personally.
Information by John Van Epp, Ph.D.
Author of the P.I.C.K. A PARTNER Training program
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